Quick Update

My depression has flared up suddenly and intensely. I am not able to take a full load this semester so I only have 3 classes.

I'm surviving. Some days are harder than others. I am still having nightmares every night. So I'm constantly tired. I'm trying not to think about Ben, but it's hard. Everything seems to be reminding me of him. So this picture represents how I feel most of the time.

A few good things. Richard, Laura, Mom and I are getting together to make Dad a great birthday present. For quite some time he has wanted mom and I to record our music, so today Mom and I are going up to Richard and Laura's to record music. I'll let you know how it goes.

I miss you all...

Sorrow and Stress

As most of you know, I took a pretty full load this semester and I had been doing really well in keeping up and enjoying my classes and working part time in the reading center (tutoring).

I'm now at the point that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went on a date with this guy that I like, and I got hopeful that that might go somewhere, but I found out today that he is dating another girl. So ouch. Serves me right for opening my heart up again. And I'm not dealing with the normal stress of school too well.

So far I was dealing with the Ben situation pretty well, but lately it's been weighing on my mind and heart heavily. I feel like I can't get him out of my head. It's really hard on me.

I normally don't talk about things like this to anybody, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep me in your prayers. Also Dad is pretty stressed also. This semester is really tough! And Richard. Please keep us in your prayers. We all really need it. Thanks for your love.

Betty/Buzz/Elisabeth

Never Enough!!!!

Okay...So you all know that I love music. In fact, I think I love it too much. I have well exceeded my requirements for my music minor but I CAN'T STOP!!!! This semester I have three music classes.

Music and the Humanities, Jazz Emphasis, from Ryan Neilsen. I am SO excited for this one. I can't wait to see where he is going with this. YAY!!!! And Brother Neilsen (Kendall) said that this is probably the last time Ryan is going to be able to teach this class, so I am SO lucky! Woo Hoo!

University Orchestra, Kevin Call. I was in this last winter semester. It was SO fun. I didn't realize how much I missed being in an orchestra. I saw that Brother Call was teaching it again so I had to sign up. I'm really looking forward to the new music we'll be working on. I just got my cello locker today. :D

Voice Lessons, Elizabeth Bossard (hopefully). I've taken lessons from Boss for a long time. I think she is the only teacher that teaches what she calls "popical" singing. So she helps me train my voice for jazz and musical theater music. It's great. She is the best teacher.

So yeah. My other classes are English classes and they should be fun too. But Music really feeds my soul. So I will be stressed this semester but my music will definitely keep me happy.

Missing Shoe

Sometimes I have nightmares, sometimes I have emotionally tiring dreams. Last night was an emotional let down.

Nicole had to meet someone in Salt Lake. So we were flying from Idaho Falls to Salt Lake. But before we left she had to go shopping. She had just bought a cute outfit and needed to get shoes to go with it. So she decided on some shoes and our plane was leaving soon. I thought the shoes were pretty hideous and did not go with her outfit at all, but she was being stubborn...so I didn't say anything.
But we got to the gate and I looked in the bag with her shoes and the lady selling the shoes had accidentally put in a bunch of other shoes that Nicole had tried on. (none matched because she only tried on one of each). So I had to run back to the shoe store and give them to her.

I started back to the gate but I realized I only had one of my shoes! So I had to go back to the shoe store again. But, there was this guy that I loved and it seemed like he loved me back. I had a hope that he would find my shoe and bring it to me...(like cinderella). The weird thing was that Nicole and I had bought him a plane ticket to come with us, but he wasn't going to go. And he didn't bring the shoe to me and I ran into him on my way to get it and he just looked at me like I was stupid and weird. So that hurt. And I had to run to the gate and I barely made it.

It was a pretty disappointing dream. I had hopes that the guy would be my prince charming... nope. not this time.

To California and Back Again

Wow it's been a while. So I just got back from my 3 week vacation to Fresno, California. I had a great trip. Despite what Mom or Melissa say, I really did enjoy myself. I had to borrow this picture from Melissa's blog because...I don't have a camera!

The kids were great. I was an instant hit with Zoe who loves to play Barbies (a favorite past time of mine). I brought a few of my barbies and kens and Aunt Denise was nice enough to buy another Barbie and some beautiful barbie clothes for my trip down there.
Highlights with Zoe:

--Playing Barbies a lot. It was really fun to be dramatic with Zoe. The Villain was always "Joe." He wasn't evil; he was just kinda dumb. He already had a girlfriend (Lily) but when the most beautiful girl came to town (Isabel) he would try really really hard to win her over. Usually with disastrous results (including being turned to a dinosaur by Lily's mom, the evil witch).

--Going to meet her 1st grade teacher. I was mostly entertaining the other two kids, but I kept an eye on Zoe talking with her teacher. I was so happily surprised at how much Zoe knew. It was really great to see that. (Melissa and I said to each other after that meeting--I wanna go back to first grade!)

--Watching her swim! She is a little dolphin. Diving and swimming under water! She was great!

Liam took a little time to warm up to me. But Once Mom Sam got hims some Lego's and I made some things with him, he also liked me.
Highlights with Liam:

--Every morning I got up, and I was still in my pajamas. My sleeping shirt is a black shirt with the batman symbol on it. I would come to the kitchen and he would ask, "Why do you always wear that shirt?"

--Playing with Lego's. It brought me back to the times where Richard and I would spend hours building. I taught him a few of my favorite things to build. He was SO good near the end of my trip. He made a really cool truck/rocket all by himself! It was great.

--Watching him learn how to swim. He nearly drowned one time and instead of being freaked out, he wanted to learn to swim. So Melissa is still teaching him, but he has made some really good progress.

Then there is Lydia. Well, I'm not quite sure what to make of her. She can be absolutely sweet one moment and then a very scary child the next.
Highlights with Lydia:
--We had a glaring match and then I smiled suddenly and she grinned right back at me.

--We were swimming one day and she started swimming close to me making biting noises and saying "I'm a shark!"

--One day I was talking to Melissa and I told her "I'm afraid of Lydia." Then Melissa turned to Lydia and said, "Did you hear that? Buzz is afraid of you because you are mean to her sometimes." Lydia responded, "I not scary! I nice!" So Melissa said, "Go give Buzz a hug." And I got a great big hug from her.

Great Kids.

I also had a great time with Melissa. She and I watched Brian Regan (a stand-up comic that I love), The Office, Some MST3K, and she introduced me to a new show called Flight of the Conchords. It is hilarious. Not for everyone in the family, but a really great show. It's basically about these two New Zealand dudes that are in New York struggling to get their band (Flight of the Conchords) off the ground. They have great music and every episode has one or two songs that they write and perform. It's really hilarious. So Thanks to Melissa. (Their names are Jemaine and Bret. Jemaine is the one with glasses--I think he is handsome. And Bret is really cute.)

I met some of Melissa's nice friends. The 2nd to last day we went with some of them to a nice restaurant for a really amazing dessert. Melissa and I also made some great desserts while I was there, including "Muddy Buddies" (Rice chex covered with chocolate, peanut butter, and powdered sugar).

I had fun watching Melissa and Travis speculate on who the new bishop would be. They found out that they were getting a new bishop and Melissa and Travis talked a lot about it. It was funny.

Also the third to last day Travis was nice enough to watch the kids and Melissa and I went and had a girl's night out. We went to an awesome Thai restaurant. Then (after a minor delay--they had to go to a surprise meeting with the Stake President--Travis got released and that's all) we went miniature golfing. I had never been before. It was so funny and fun. I loved spending time with Melissa.

Travis and I spent a few nights watching the Olympics together. They (M&T) usually went to bed early, but Travis sometimes stayed up later and we watched the Olympics. There were some exciting moments. Especially with Michael Phelps. He's amazing.

Anyway. I really had a good time. It was really a "vacation from my problems." I really love the Turleys and I'm so grateful that I got to spend time with them.

Jigsaw

Jigsaw


I pour the pieces on the table
Some spill off the side
I search for the corners--
The easiest to find

Are some missing?
Should I pick those off the floor?
They are dirty now.
They may not fit back here anymore.

I leave it for a day
When I return from wherever I've been
It looks strange to me
I start over again

I have no picture to reference
I'm not even sure how
It's supposed to look
Then or now

I finish, how many hours spent?
No, not quite done
There are pieces missing,
Or perhaps just one.

Yes, the largest,
The most important, the key,
Not on the floor
Not within me

I leave the jigsaw again
And walk around my mind
I see you holding the piece,
Would you be so kind?

I smile and reach for you
But you recoil, and turn
I watch in horror
You give it away, to her

I run to my jigsaw
And throw it on the floor
It shatters
I cannot fix it anymore

Would someone else?
No, that won't do,
Who fits me better
Than you?

Stories

Hello. I have been writing a lot lately. I finished a short story called "Grief." I mentioned it in and earlier post, but have just finished it. It's a very good story. It's based on a song that I learned several years ago. The basic premise is, there are two angels. One angel just lost one of the people she was guarding (the girl committed suicide) and the angel feel horrible about it. So an older angel comes and helps her. If you want to whole thing I can send it to you via email. Let me know if you want it.

The novel I'm working on right now does not quite have a title. The main character's name is Phoenix, hence the picture. This is the best plot line I've come up with and I'm at a point now where I have enough confidence in my writing that I feel I can finish it. (A side note. Ben is now dating someone else. So we aren't going to be seeing each other much anymore.) The story tells of an alien race that comes to earth peacefully to share their knowledge with the humans. This race (Toren) have special abilities (like X-men type powers). The humans want to harness the power for evil, a war ensues, the Toren are nearly wiped out. Only 5 are left and the military imprisons these and tortures them to get their powers out. 4 of them end up escaping, the other woman has a baby and dies in childbirth. He is kept alive so they can use his powers when he is older. This is where the story begins. The boy's name is Phoenix.

It's really coming along well. I read it to mom on our way home from Utah yesterday and she liked it. That made me happy. I've always been afraid of sharing my writing with Mom and Dad because I take constructive criticism too hard. It's not their fault at all. I'm just too sensitive. But their comments have helped me improve my writing and I'm grateful for that. Anyway. More to come later.