Sorrow and Stress

As most of you know, I took a pretty full load this semester and I had been doing really well in keeping up and enjoying my classes and working part time in the reading center (tutoring).

I'm now at the point that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went on a date with this guy that I like, and I got hopeful that that might go somewhere, but I found out today that he is dating another girl. So ouch. Serves me right for opening my heart up again. And I'm not dealing with the normal stress of school too well.

So far I was dealing with the Ben situation pretty well, but lately it's been weighing on my mind and heart heavily. I feel like I can't get him out of my head. It's really hard on me.

I normally don't talk about things like this to anybody, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep me in your prayers. Also Dad is pretty stressed also. This semester is really tough! And Richard. Please keep us in your prayers. We all really need it. Thanks for your love.

Betty/Buzz/Elisabeth

Never Enough!!!!

Okay...So you all know that I love music. In fact, I think I love it too much. I have well exceeded my requirements for my music minor but I CAN'T STOP!!!! This semester I have three music classes.

Music and the Humanities, Jazz Emphasis, from Ryan Neilsen. I am SO excited for this one. I can't wait to see where he is going with this. YAY!!!! And Brother Neilsen (Kendall) said that this is probably the last time Ryan is going to be able to teach this class, so I am SO lucky! Woo Hoo!

University Orchestra, Kevin Call. I was in this last winter semester. It was SO fun. I didn't realize how much I missed being in an orchestra. I saw that Brother Call was teaching it again so I had to sign up. I'm really looking forward to the new music we'll be working on. I just got my cello locker today. :D

Voice Lessons, Elizabeth Bossard (hopefully). I've taken lessons from Boss for a long time. I think she is the only teacher that teaches what she calls "popical" singing. So she helps me train my voice for jazz and musical theater music. It's great. She is the best teacher.

So yeah. My other classes are English classes and they should be fun too. But Music really feeds my soul. So I will be stressed this semester but my music will definitely keep me happy.

Missing Shoe

Sometimes I have nightmares, sometimes I have emotionally tiring dreams. Last night was an emotional let down.

Nicole had to meet someone in Salt Lake. So we were flying from Idaho Falls to Salt Lake. But before we left she had to go shopping. She had just bought a cute outfit and needed to get shoes to go with it. So she decided on some shoes and our plane was leaving soon. I thought the shoes were pretty hideous and did not go with her outfit at all, but she was being stubborn...so I didn't say anything.
But we got to the gate and I looked in the bag with her shoes and the lady selling the shoes had accidentally put in a bunch of other shoes that Nicole had tried on. (none matched because she only tried on one of each). So I had to run back to the shoe store and give them to her.

I started back to the gate but I realized I only had one of my shoes! So I had to go back to the shoe store again. But, there was this guy that I loved and it seemed like he loved me back. I had a hope that he would find my shoe and bring it to me...(like cinderella). The weird thing was that Nicole and I had bought him a plane ticket to come with us, but he wasn't going to go. And he didn't bring the shoe to me and I ran into him on my way to get it and he just looked at me like I was stupid and weird. So that hurt. And I had to run to the gate and I barely made it.

It was a pretty disappointing dream. I had hopes that the guy would be my prince charming... nope. not this time.

To California and Back Again

Wow it's been a while. So I just got back from my 3 week vacation to Fresno, California. I had a great trip. Despite what Mom or Melissa say, I really did enjoy myself. I had to borrow this picture from Melissa's blog because...I don't have a camera!

The kids were great. I was an instant hit with Zoe who loves to play Barbies (a favorite past time of mine). I brought a few of my barbies and kens and Aunt Denise was nice enough to buy another Barbie and some beautiful barbie clothes for my trip down there.
Highlights with Zoe:

--Playing Barbies a lot. It was really fun to be dramatic with Zoe. The Villain was always "Joe." He wasn't evil; he was just kinda dumb. He already had a girlfriend (Lily) but when the most beautiful girl came to town (Isabel) he would try really really hard to win her over. Usually with disastrous results (including being turned to a dinosaur by Lily's mom, the evil witch).

--Going to meet her 1st grade teacher. I was mostly entertaining the other two kids, but I kept an eye on Zoe talking with her teacher. I was so happily surprised at how much Zoe knew. It was really great to see that. (Melissa and I said to each other after that meeting--I wanna go back to first grade!)

--Watching her swim! She is a little dolphin. Diving and swimming under water! She was great!

Liam took a little time to warm up to me. But Once Mom Sam got hims some Lego's and I made some things with him, he also liked me.
Highlights with Liam:

--Every morning I got up, and I was still in my pajamas. My sleeping shirt is a black shirt with the batman symbol on it. I would come to the kitchen and he would ask, "Why do you always wear that shirt?"

--Playing with Lego's. It brought me back to the times where Richard and I would spend hours building. I taught him a few of my favorite things to build. He was SO good near the end of my trip. He made a really cool truck/rocket all by himself! It was great.

--Watching him learn how to swim. He nearly drowned one time and instead of being freaked out, he wanted to learn to swim. So Melissa is still teaching him, but he has made some really good progress.

Then there is Lydia. Well, I'm not quite sure what to make of her. She can be absolutely sweet one moment and then a very scary child the next.
Highlights with Lydia:
--We had a glaring match and then I smiled suddenly and she grinned right back at me.

--We were swimming one day and she started swimming close to me making biting noises and saying "I'm a shark!"

--One day I was talking to Melissa and I told her "I'm afraid of Lydia." Then Melissa turned to Lydia and said, "Did you hear that? Buzz is afraid of you because you are mean to her sometimes." Lydia responded, "I not scary! I nice!" So Melissa said, "Go give Buzz a hug." And I got a great big hug from her.

Great Kids.

I also had a great time with Melissa. She and I watched Brian Regan (a stand-up comic that I love), The Office, Some MST3K, and she introduced me to a new show called Flight of the Conchords. It is hilarious. Not for everyone in the family, but a really great show. It's basically about these two New Zealand dudes that are in New York struggling to get their band (Flight of the Conchords) off the ground. They have great music and every episode has one or two songs that they write and perform. It's really hilarious. So Thanks to Melissa. (Their names are Jemaine and Bret. Jemaine is the one with glasses--I think he is handsome. And Bret is really cute.)

I met some of Melissa's nice friends. The 2nd to last day we went with some of them to a nice restaurant for a really amazing dessert. Melissa and I also made some great desserts while I was there, including "Muddy Buddies" (Rice chex covered with chocolate, peanut butter, and powdered sugar).

I had fun watching Melissa and Travis speculate on who the new bishop would be. They found out that they were getting a new bishop and Melissa and Travis talked a lot about it. It was funny.

Also the third to last day Travis was nice enough to watch the kids and Melissa and I went and had a girl's night out. We went to an awesome Thai restaurant. Then (after a minor delay--they had to go to a surprise meeting with the Stake President--Travis got released and that's all) we went miniature golfing. I had never been before. It was so funny and fun. I loved spending time with Melissa.

Travis and I spent a few nights watching the Olympics together. They (M&T) usually went to bed early, but Travis sometimes stayed up later and we watched the Olympics. There were some exciting moments. Especially with Michael Phelps. He's amazing.

Anyway. I really had a good time. It was really a "vacation from my problems." I really love the Turleys and I'm so grateful that I got to spend time with them.

Jigsaw

Jigsaw


I pour the pieces on the table
Some spill off the side
I search for the corners--
The easiest to find

Are some missing?
Should I pick those off the floor?
They are dirty now.
They may not fit back here anymore.

I leave it for a day
When I return from wherever I've been
It looks strange to me
I start over again

I have no picture to reference
I'm not even sure how
It's supposed to look
Then or now

I finish, how many hours spent?
No, not quite done
There are pieces missing,
Or perhaps just one.

Yes, the largest,
The most important, the key,
Not on the floor
Not within me

I leave the jigsaw again
And walk around my mind
I see you holding the piece,
Would you be so kind?

I smile and reach for you
But you recoil, and turn
I watch in horror
You give it away, to her

I run to my jigsaw
And throw it on the floor
It shatters
I cannot fix it anymore

Would someone else?
No, that won't do,
Who fits me better
Than you?

Stories

Hello. I have been writing a lot lately. I finished a short story called "Grief." I mentioned it in and earlier post, but have just finished it. It's a very good story. It's based on a song that I learned several years ago. The basic premise is, there are two angels. One angel just lost one of the people she was guarding (the girl committed suicide) and the angel feel horrible about it. So an older angel comes and helps her. If you want to whole thing I can send it to you via email. Let me know if you want it.

The novel I'm working on right now does not quite have a title. The main character's name is Phoenix, hence the picture. This is the best plot line I've come up with and I'm at a point now where I have enough confidence in my writing that I feel I can finish it. (A side note. Ben is now dating someone else. So we aren't going to be seeing each other much anymore.) The story tells of an alien race that comes to earth peacefully to share their knowledge with the humans. This race (Toren) have special abilities (like X-men type powers). The humans want to harness the power for evil, a war ensues, the Toren are nearly wiped out. Only 5 are left and the military imprisons these and tortures them to get their powers out. 4 of them end up escaping, the other woman has a baby and dies in childbirth. He is kept alive so they can use his powers when he is older. This is where the story begins. The boy's name is Phoenix.

It's really coming along well. I read it to mom on our way home from Utah yesterday and she liked it. That made me happy. I've always been afraid of sharing my writing with Mom and Dad because I take constructive criticism too hard. It's not their fault at all. I'm just too sensitive. But their comments have helped me improve my writing and I'm grateful for that. Anyway. More to come later.

Most Depressing Dream

Well, as the title tells you I had the most depressing dream last night. What made it so depressing was that it was not only so real, but I was so happy.

Ben and I were getting married. So I had a dress (it looked almost exactly like this one). We didn't have time to get it fit to me. The top fit just right but the bottom part was loose! That was actually one of the things that made me so happy. I have been struggling with my weight (in real life) and to have my wedding dress be a little too big, just made me happy.

Anyway so the setting was weird I can't relly describe it. I just remember walking down stairs to Ben and the sealer. Ben was so handsome and I was such abeautiful bride. We got married and had a reception and everyone was there and I just couldn't stop smiling. Bitter Sweet dream.

I woke up feeling so depressed.

Just some thoughts

It's funny. I can't even feel free to express my feelings on my blog. Well, this picture is cool.

New Project!

Hey guys! The reunion was great! I'm so happy that I got to see all ya'll. Anyway. Here is my new musical project I'm working on. Steve got me a guitar a few years back and I used it occasionally. But he got it out again at the reunion and I realized I want to play the guitar! so I remembered about this website where you can get the chords for songs. So I printed off a few and I have been working on them! It feels great.

Anyway. I love you guys. I hope you travelled safely and are recovering from the aftershocks of the reunion. :) Say hi to your kids for me. And thank you a million times for letting me perform for you. It was really a treat for me to share my music with you.

Elisabeth

Children's Corner

Hey guys I just wanted to write about my lasted accomplishment. This is Claude Debussy--one of my favorite composers. He wrote a collection of 6 pieces called "Coin des enfants." That is French for Children's Corner.

I learned the first one, "Doctor Gradus ad Parnassum" a long time ago; when I was still taking lessons from Sally. Later on I learned number 6 "Golliwogg's Cake-Walk." That one was so fun.

Anyway a while after that Mom bought me a two CD set of Debussy pieces and these happened to be on there. I noticed that there was one pianist who performed all of them. I thought to myself "gee, I'd like to be good enough to learn all of these."

A while after this, when I was in college, I brought my book to my piano lessons, not thinking about it and I got to learn number 4 "The Snow is Dancing." It was great.

Much time went by. One evening I was just reviewing some pieces that I learned and I fell upon Snow is Dancing. "I think I learned this once." I thought. So with a little reviewing I got it back to performing level.

Then... I looked at number five, "The Little Shepherd." "I think I can sight-read this." I thought. And I did. I was so pleased with my progress I decided then and there to learn the other two. Number 3 "Serenade for the Doll" looked really difficult. But I had listened to it and I loved the sound of it, so I worked really hard and got it! It was a lot easier than first anticipated. It's one of my favorites now. (of course that's not saying much because I love them all SO much.)

My Last hurdle: "Jimbo's Lullaby." I was hesitant to start learning this one because it just sounded SO boring. And When I sight-read through it the first time I still thought it was boring. I told Dad this and he said something like, "Sometimes the things we think we like least turn out to be the best thing for us." I took this in mind and I kept at it. "Find the Music in it," Dad would say.

One day I played it and when I stopped I couldn't get this one part out of my head. I finally found the music! Bueno! I felt so good! I learned the entire set! I loved knowing that I did one of the things I had tried to do for so long. I feel like I haven't accomplished a big musical goal in a while so this was a big thing for me! And the Best moment was playing the entire set all the way through. It felt so great. It feels great. I love music. And if we get the time and you would like to, while you are up here, I wouldn't mind performing them for you. Let me know. Love ya'll.

Space! The Final Frontier

You will notice that I changed the name and layout of my blog. "Book of Days" is a title of an Enya song. I thought it was fitting and of course the Celtic book represents that title. I found this awesome site with tons of blog backgrounds. It's really cool. Let me know if you are interested.

Perelandra

OKay, C.S. Lewis is my favorite author. Hands down. Perelandra is book two in his space trilogy. We were assigned to read it for Dad's Christian Authors class last semester. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. These pictures aren't Perelandra of course but they remind me of it. The final project for that class was a creative project. I wrote a song. I'd like to share the lyrics with you. (The language that you do not recognize is a language I created for a novel I wrote. If you wish to know what that says, you may ask me.)

Finding My Way

Here am I
On this world they call Thulcandra
Who will save me?
There is no Ransom
Come down from the sky
To fight the Unman within

Perelandra
If only I were there
Perelandra
If only is a fool's phrase

Walking in the Land of Shadows
Don't let the Beasts take me
A Key is all I need
To find my way to Faery

Perelandra
Wishing for a higher sphere
Perelandra
Wishing is a fool's dream

Feeling my way through the darkest abyss
No light to guide me
If I fall and stop the trek
No one will come and find me

Perelandra
Saved from a horrible fate
Perelandra
May we enter heaven's gate?

Dar hin de a san
A mey-rey xur ti lanos
Tay hin tur sal-te
Ti mey-rey mur Perelandra

Perelandra
Somewhere I will find it
Perelandra
Is it within reach?

Within reach
Darto hin?

Okay so I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. This is Steven Colbert. Hi Steven! Anyway. as you all know I have been having very very vivid dreams. usually they are horrible and tiring but this one is pretty doggone hilarious. This has no political aspect so calm down.

Steven Colbert, Mom, Dad, and I were playing scrabble in the kitchen. I wasn't really in the mood to play but mom and dad were forcing me to. Steven knew I didn't want to so he ended up stopping the game.

After that he grabbed me and started waltzing with me around in the kitchen. I gave him a very "I'm attracted to you look" that wasn't meant to be seen. But he caught it and asked me about it... I tried to deny it. He dropped it after a while.

Later in the dream he kissed me! I was so surprised that I pulled back and he apologized. But a few seconds later he kissed me again... Don't ask me. Anyway. Maybe I'll keep a record of my dreams on here. I hope this brought a smile to your face. Love you guys.

Hey guys in lieu of mom's email asking us to be more open with each other I thought I would start with this.

This is my favorite picture of Ben and me. We were just barely engaged. and though it looks kinda staged it wasn't. We were genuinely happy. That period was probably the most idyllic time in the past I would say decade. That sounds very depressing. But it's true.

I was so excited to be getting married. And I knew it was the right thing. When Joshua (the boyfriend before Ben) asked me to marry him I had such a dark heavy feeling. But when Ben asked me... everything got so clear. it was such a wonderful feeling. So I was so happy. WE were happy together. perfect fit. in every way. ( maybe I'm only remembering the good and ignoring the bad. I do that sometimes. selective memory.)

Anyway... I've been through hell since then. or the closest to it that I can tell. and I've come off the worse for the wear. (how many cliche's have I used in this thing?) Life is hard. And nothing is ever set in stone. I've been able to find pieces of joy here and there. Through art, music, and of course, my favorite thing, my family. I love you all more than I can express. Thank you for being with me through this whole thing. thank you for your prayers and your love. I am blessed.

Hey guys, I just thought this was a really cool picture. Thought you would like it. Do you think there are people with purple eyes? or with other colors not green, blue, grey, brown? What do you think?

Hey guys,

This is a picture taken two years ago. But it matches how I feel right now. I'm having a tough time. I'm struggling with nightmares and a new wave of depression. I would appreciate your prayers... if you would. I love all ya'll. :)

New Novel

Okay guys, if you know me, you know that I love to write. I have tried to start many books and have never been successful with finishing them. I think the reason was that the ideas weren't completely...complete. But I have just come up with the BEST of my story ideas yet. it combines all my favorite parts in my other novels and has a very original story line. I'm really excited about it.

I'm going to tell you about the plot. Basically this takes place on Earth in the future. America Mexico and Canada have been taken over by one dictator. The military wages war on an alien planet called "Lanos." Earth Loses. They are able to kidnap 5 of the people (Toren)from this planet back with them. The Toren have special abilities (kinda like x-men powers). The military figures out how to harness their power as a weapon. Before they perfect the weapon, 4 of the Toren escape (these are two married couples and they later have a set of twins each). The fifth is a woman and a "Chen", which means she actually does not have powers. But she is pregnant and has a son, and dies. The military raises him and are sure he has powers, but he never shows them, so they can't be sure.

Well, I'll just leave it at that. I'm really excited about it. I'll give you updates later if you are interested. Buzz out.

Hey guys, it's been a while. I used this picture in my final art project for my art class. I was very happy with how the project turned out. If I had a camera I would take a picture of the project itself and post it. It's really cool anyway. well, life is alright. living down at Paula's is good and bad. I haven't been sleeping well, and sometimes I get lonely but it's fun anyway. Iv'e watched more Sponge bob than I ever have at home. so that's great! bye for now.

So this picture was taken about two years ago. It was summer, it was a wonderful time in my life, Nicole was about to get married, I had just started dating Ben. I was very happy. I have also photo shopped this one. Let me know if you want a straight up picture.

Okay, I know these pictures don't really show ME like a regular picture; but, I really like this one. I don't know what to say... I was in the car while Ben ran into Wal-mart and the sun was shining. It was a perfect day. It was a really lucky thing that I got this picture. and I have photo shopped it. Just so you know. "I look good in brown."

Hey guys! thanks for your comments. The picture on my last post is one of my favorite of me. I took it on Ben's computer and then photo-shopped it. Dad doesn't like it because it looks "seductive." Ha ha! Thanks dad! hasn't worked so far. ;) this picture is beautiful and sad. I am planning to write a short story about a "weeping angel." It was inspired by a song that I sing. called "grief." it's beautiful.

Okay, so I need your opinion on this photo. Before I tell you why dad doesn't like it, please tell me what you think.

I MADE IT! Hey everybody! This picture pretty much sums up my feelings for the past month. What with the end of semester and my relationship woes. Perfect picture. Anyway. More to come!

Okay, for some reason, I can't upload pictures yet; but as soon as I can I will. I like the title of my blog though. haha.